We all wear them, masks. The delicate patterns and portrayals we weave to show the world that we have it all together, to show that foe that it didn’t hurt, to show our past that we don’t have scars. We work long and hard, tirelessly putting together these essential masks, because without them, well then its just me and that’s not an option. Right?
The problem with masks, its takes one slight tug of a loose thread and it all simply fades away.
How many times have we done this?
How many seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years have we wasted building these confines? All simply so the world can’t see our imperfections?
OR …….. the more probable answer, but the one none of us ever wants to admit;
Are we trying to run and hide from ourselves?
We are so often our own toughest critic and harshest judge. Yes, other people can and will hurt us in life that is inevitable. Yet it is our own mind and thoughts that have become an absolute weapon of destruction and imprisonment. One mistake, one flaw and we have committed ourselves to life without parole.
People often say “Don’t let other people break you!”
It should really be “DON’T BREAK YOURSELF!!”
Most people would have looked at me last year and saw someone who had it together, someone who was accepting change with such grace, someone who was willing to be taken out of her comfort zone and thrust into the complete unknown. You would have thought I was a woman of strong faith and complete trust in God.
I was no where close to those things, actually quite the opposite. There were two things that I was:
MAD & HURT.
At people, Yes.
At myself, Yes.
At God, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!!
I was so mad at God. I could not understand why He was turning my world upside down and inside out. Why was everything being taken away in one full swoop family, friends, home, church? Everything I had known for my entire life felt like it was just being stripped away bit by bit. As my anger and hurt kept growing inside, the mask I was weaving on the outside was just getting more and more intricate to keep everyone else at bay. No one could know what I was feeling, because what would they think of me? I would simply just be a failure.
But before long that very intricate mask I was weaving for myself had an exposed thread. And with one swift pull everything that I had worked to cover up was on complete display for everyone to see.
The irony behind it, I was the one who pulled that thread. I had tried for so long to hide, that I actually lost myself. And when that mask disintegrated right before my eyes all I was left was a bunch of broken pieces of someone I use to be or wished I was.
Who was I anymore?
What was my purpose anymore?
I was lost and broken, and with no one to turn to for answers or direction I went to the very being I blamed for all of this, God. I didn’t even pray, talk or even yell. It was one simple word that echoed in my thoughts … “WHY?!?!?!” Truth be told I was not expecting an answer, it had been a while since I felt close to God or even interacted with Him. Why would he answer me now after all this time has passed? Yet the answer came that very night in the form of a crystal clear dream.
I became too content and settled and He needed to take me out before it got worse. As Christians we know that contentment is the first sign that God is about to shake things up whether we like it or not. God wasn’t trying to hurt me or punish me;
HE WANTED MORE FOR ME.
Why couldn’t he just have told me that from the start? Why did I have to go through all of this? Because now I have all these broken pieces and there is nothing that I can do with them. Before I could even finish that thought, I heard the most clear audible answer I had ever heard;
“Don’t worry my child, you can’t work with those pieces but I CAN!! Just give them to me.”
We always forget that God works in the broken pieces and places, its actually his specialty. God wants our broken parts to use for His glory, but He wants you to surrender them to Him. He wants you to give them up willingly because broken pieces in our hands only create more brokenness, but in God’s hands broken pieces create a redefined testimony.
So …. WHO AM I???
I AM A CHILD OF GOD
I AM DAUGHTER OF THE KING
I AM ENOUGH
I AM BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN
Whats my purpose?
Well that I am not completely clear on yet, but I know that God has a plan and it begins with me broken pieces.